I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
