hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize