So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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