true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
