filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize