real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
