I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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