I look better un-naked...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She needs sedatives and a leash
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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