Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
