***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She announced her abortion via fbk
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
