the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Randomize