i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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