Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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