i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
