help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
