What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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