I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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