rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm getting married
To pizza
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
