Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
