before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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