i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
