The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
