That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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