I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
