the condom got lost in my hair
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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