Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
