I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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