I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it's not cheating when I paid for it
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
