We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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