: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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