Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
