I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
