dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
