All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
