That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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