Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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