I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
