I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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