i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
