I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
