there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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