I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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