u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
