I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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