I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
