This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
