He asked to "fluff my boner.."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
