I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
