Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
