Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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