oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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