So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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