i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
