My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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