what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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