so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
