This is not my ceiling
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
