I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
