I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
