The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have post one night stand depression
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